Love is not definable, but you know it when you feel it. Or at least you think so. Lust on the other hand is supposed to be something totally different. But what if you think you might be feeling both for the same person? What could that possibly mean? And what is the point anyway? Grass is always greener on the other side & I always want what I don’t and/or can’t have? Am I some sort of self masochist? Granted I need a challenge, someone to keep me on my toes. I’ve already learned that when it’s too easy I take full advantage of the relationship, which isn’t nice of me at all. Thus it has to be work, has to be hard, out of sight almost for me to even think such is enticing. But do I want things which are so far out of reach on purpose? Maybe because I’m a hopeless romantic and all I want is someone to have fun with, laugh with, be with, and who is trustworthy and honest, smart and spontaneous. Someone who gets along with all my friends, someone who lets me be included as one of the guys sometimes. Someone who genuinely wants to make me happy and is thoughtful, a tough guy who will protect me even if I don’t need or want it. But then again.. what if this person finds me, because I know I won’t find him, I can’t look because I’m too particular, and I screw it up? What if someone else comes along and steers me from what I already have. Curiousity killed the cat. But yet, I’ve been in relationships where I’ve been head over heels, and those worked for me. I’m certainly monogamous but I didn’t even think about the what ifs or what could be’s. I was totally and 100% committed. But I was vulnerable and that’s a scary place to be. To risk getting hurt is a scary scary thing to risk, but yet despite my fears, I can’t help it. Because when I want someone, I want them, I’ll do what I think it’ll take to get them. Even if it doesn’t mean right now. Because I can wait, I’m patient. It might just be really hard and lonely in the mean time. I’m too young to even be thinking this seriously, but eventually everyone pairs up and goes off on their own path… I’m so indecisive and I’m never completely positive of what I want. I think I know what I feel, but I change my mind a lot. Or am I trying to change my mind so that I don’t get hurt?